9. Penguin on Heroin
(2 minutes of flappable giggling ahead)
The men wore blue jeans and gray hoodies.
The women had buyer's remorse.
It was a dance studio in Santa Clara, the heart of Silicon Valley.
At six o'clock, the Salsa instructor started imparting her wisdom on us, newbies.
Shakira taught us that hips don't lie. Mine don't move.
At all.
Before Civilization came to a halt last year, my wife suggested we take dance classes. I was embarrassing her in weddings with my power moves. I fantasized about living an alternate life where instead of falling asleep at 10 while watching Seinfeld, we dress up, go to clubs, and do whatever cool people do.
We went to a Salsa class.
There was a lot of hip talk. "Move your hips forward, flex your hip, keep'e em loose, more hip action."
I followed the instructions or at least thought I did.
I stepped my feet forward, paused them on every 4th beat, rocked back, alternated feet, shifted body weight, and swung hips to accentuate the movement. I even "brought my personality with me" although it didn't really want to come.
I realized that my brain doesn't send signals to control my hips. I don't own that part of my body. It is just renting the space. Turns out it's more. I can't flex my calves for example. There is just no mind-body connection.
My body defies itself. I like to think that it does that because I am a rebel.
A rebel without calves.
It was time to put everything together. The instructor came over to watch my sold-out performance.
Hell broke loose.
I moved laterally with no rhythm, flapped my hands around, and my feet raced the beats.
Like a penguin on heroin.*
Next wedding, my plus one will be a penguin with an addiction problem. Together, we will be a hapless hip-less happy duo.
That would make a great scene for a Pixar movie. For a G rating, they could say the penguin is addicted to talcum powder.
"That stuff is a bit chalky." "Yeah, but it smells like babies."
Best original screenplay award guaranteed.
* I am aware that heroin is a depressant that wouldn't produce the euphoric state mentioned above. But it rhymes with penguin so it earned its place here.