8. Efficiency Aficionado
(3 minutes of laser-precision laughter)
I don't close closet doors.
It drives my wife crazy.
I don't intend to - it just never crosses my mind. It seems more efficient to keep them open all the time.
Why bother closing the closet if I have to re-open it every day to fetch another company-branded gray T-shirt? Secretly, I keep it open on the off-chance that Mike Wazowski from Monster's Inc. wanders in.
In an attempt to spread peace, I looked into installing a light with a motion sensor inside the closet. If I opened the door and forgot to close it, the light would stay on and I'd be reminded to close it at night before I slept.
But because motion sensing lights are all battery-powered, they try to be efficient and turn off automatically after a few minutes of no movement.
No bueno for me.
Their efficiency can't beat my efficiency. A man can't lose that battle.
I like to do useless things efficiently - makes me feel good.
I brush my teeth while showering in the morning. I think it is efficient and an expression of creativity. My wife thinks it is weird (and stupid but she is too polite to say it.)
This is a recurring theme in our relationship.
But who am I to disagree? I once put beef dripping from a steak in a protein shake because it felt right to me.
Not so pro tip: Don't do it.
While driving, I try to take the shortest route even if it will save me 20 seconds. My mind is always racing to calculate which route has fewer stop signs or traffic lights. Tough choices present themselves whenever the car is running. Which is better: 3 stops signs or one traffic light? Highway or back roads? Maps app or trust thyself?
I often get lost and end up wasting more time but nothing can stop me form searching for the optimal route.
It is a disease with no vaccine.
Like a car full of gasoline.
And cranking up the volume on Springsteen.
A snake sniffing on naphthalene.
Sorry, I got lost...in a rhyming latrine.
Tipping in restaurants is another area ripe for efficiency disruption. When the bill arrives, I never write the tip down on that line dedicated to tipping. I add the tip to the amount due, round to the nearest $5, append ‘.00’ and write one number down as the final amount. Obviously, the rounding can be up or down to optimize for the shortest path to $5.
This one is a double whammy: It combines my love of round numbers and faux efficiency. My wife, a person who doesn't condone this cowboy attitude, thinks I might be short-changing the waiters if I round down. Now she is in charge of tipping.
Sweet.
Less work for me.
Efficiency is an all-consuming endeavor, I even dream about it. Last week, I dreamt that a patrol officer stopped me on the highway.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Oh no! Did I take a longer route? Was it one STOP sign too many?
Officer: No, you gave a bad tip.
Me: My wife did it! Did you also know that she forges my signature?