3. P for Poppycock
(4 minutes of perfunctory profundity ahead)
My 5-year work anniversary is coming up (not really) so I was reflecting on the past while rocking on the La-Z-Boy (also not really). When I started my current job, I had nightmares every night. I was afraid I'd be fired once my manager realized the extent of my incompetence. Then I discovered the secret to a successful career. The secret to a successful career is to speak and write words that start with the letter P. It may sound crazy but in business parlance the letter P is both potent and prevalent. They still haven't fired me and now I only have nightmares on weeknights. I get the weekends off. If you are looking to reduce your nightmares by 28.5%, here is what you need to do:
The mother of all of P-words is prioritization. Prioritize everything: plans, projects, proofs of concept.
When you are done prioritizing, start punting. If you want to sound professional, say postpone instead. If you are undecided, put a pin in it.
If you are pompous, talk about privacy, policies, protocols, proxies, processes, and procedures. Talk about them in powerpoint presentations, pitch decks, or plain prose.
If your neighbor went to law school, make the case to build a portfolio of patent pending prototypes for premium paid products to protect the company's intellectual property and market position.
If you have a Robinhood account, babble something about pre-money, post-money, preferred price, private/public markets, profitability, purchasing power, payoff, P&L, projections, price points, and public offerings.
If you read self-help books, talk about passion, persistence, pragmatism, problem solving, purpose, and positivity. To bond with the people operations team, pepper your speech with words such payroll, perks, paid time off, performance, promotion packets and peer reviews.
Here is some ammo when you are out of words: progress, productivity, programs, product, perspective, proprietary, probabilistic models, predictions, pattern recognition, and potential.
Now that your north star is Planet of the Ps, it is time to advance to the next step: business expressions. As a non-native English speaker, it took me a while to understand many of the things my colleagues said at work. I learned that when we need "to manage expectations", it actually translated to "prepare to be disappointed". When someone sent me "bump", "gentle reminder" or "ping", they were politely telling me "read your damn email".
"Let's table that for now." β "Shut up and forget about it."
"Letβs take this offline" on a Zoom call β "Let's have another Zoom call because why not."
"has been less than stellar" β "your work is garbage."
That last one always struck me as weird. It is as if we are allergic to negative words. I don't describe things as "normal", they are "not perfect" or "not ideal". I never get "disappointed" or "upset", I am just "not thrilled". It is pretty not perfect to not be thrilled after being told that my proposal was less than stellar. I should have managed my expectations better. I got offended once because a friend described my cooking as "average"; it is "not bad but not awesome". Please!
When I have a bad night's sleep, I don't scare my co-workers in the morning and utter profanities such as "I am tired" or "I am groggy". I pronounce that "I am not great" in a somber tone and perhaps a π. It took Alexander conquering the known world by the age of 33 to be called Great. He didn't call himself Great. But I am vain enough to consider myself great by default and my arch-nemesis that keeps me awake at night is a matcha latte after 3 pm.
Uber caught the same vanity flu: they treat 5-star ratings as a pass and anything less as a fail. If your average rating is below 4.6, they wouldn't even let you drive with them anymore. It is not really a rating scheme when perfection is a pass and everything else is a participation award. I propose that Uber publishes the following as their new guidelines for rating drivers:
β βΆ Instead of driving you to the airport, the driver dropped you off at an underground club for a cult with bad tattoos. Driver is mildly forgiven if the cult had a fun name such as: Monks of Bloodshed, Faction of the Unspoken, Patrons of Puzzles, or The Horsemen of Bones.
β β βΆ The driver asked you what the Yield sign means.
β β β βΆ The median of the Bell curve; system worked as designed. The driver arrived on time and took you from point A to B. No muss, No fuss.
β β β β βΆ The driver offered you a bowl of grapes during the ride.
β β β β β βΆ Reserved for the GOATs as they say. The driver picked you up in a Batmobile, knew a route better than the GPS suggestions, and only spoke in words that started with the letter P (or pithy Latin expressions).
An Uber driver with a 5-star rating should be a hero that we need but don't deserve. Let's raise the bar for future generations.
Pursue perfection but presume... mediocrity? (couldn't find a synonym that started with P) Β―\_(γ)_/Β―