2. "You don’t pay attention"

(6 minutes of potential laughter ahead)

Last week, I thought my wife wanted to replace me with an app. She was googling "free alternative apps to procreate". This was her literal query. I was dazed and confused.

Why would she want to replace me? I am always available to procreate. My ego was hurt. She wants a replacement to the only thing I exist for. In the form of an app. For free. She doesn't even wanna pay for it. I should have predicted that eventually she would replace me with an app because we are both nerds. We met at a programming contest in high school and sat next to each other at the awards ceremony. She got first place. I came second, and that pretty much sums up our relationship since then. Fast forward, we went to the same college and did our graduation project together. Nothing is more romantic than sitting in a lab for a year working on machine learning models to optimize semiconductor chip design.

Turns out "Procreate" is a digital art iPad app that she didn't want to pay for. I looked dumb, but that wasn't the first time. When we first got married, I told her: "you are the best thing that happened to me after my MacBook Air." The ranking in my mind was:

1. MacBook Air

2. Wife

3. Led Zeppelin

4. iPhone

5. Grapes

She wasn't amused. "But you are above Led Zeppelin!" didn't fly so I learned very quickly that the correct order should have been:

1. Wife

2. MacBook Air

3. Led Zeppelin

4. iPhone

5. Grapes

That's the kind of quick thinking you need to have a successful marriage. They say marriage is a contract. I must have missed the clause on improving my driving skills. Vows usually go something like "I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life." I am no lawyer but there is nothing there about driving. There is no contractual obligation on the wife to comment on her husband's driving. None. Panic neurons fire in droves in my wife's brain when I miss an exit, when I am not exactly centered in the lane, when it takes me more than 50 nanoseconds to move when the light turns green.

One night, she dreamt that we were on a self-driving bus and I wanted to put it on autopilot mode because I was tired. She refused because she doesn't trust any form of car automation including cruise control. She said I was just lazy and did not want to pay attention to the road. And yet, she didn't know how to drive the bus herself so she acquiesced to my lazy bus driving. Well, at least it was an admission that I was good at something. I wish she admitted the same about procreation. She invented a fully functioning self-driving bus in her subconscious just to comment on my driving. There is a dedicated brain lobe to comment on my driving skills called medulla automobilia.

I once missed an exit on the highway and I was reminded of it for a week.

Didn't clean the dishes —> "You don't pay attention like when you missed the exit on Saturday."

Forgot to take the trash out —> "You don't pay attention like when you missed the exit on Saturday."

Forgot to mail the taxes check —> "You don't pay attention like when you missed the exit on Saturday." (I will give her that one because we paid a penalty to Uncle Sam)

No mercy.

But she is the ONE. I know that because she let me curate the music playlist for our wedding. 100% control. Didn't even ask for the list before the wedding. No sane woman would do that and I have never felt more trusted in my life. Men lie when they say that their wedding night was their happiest day. They just say that in front of their wives. My wedding was the happiest day because I controlled the music*. I still can't believe she let me play the Ecstasy of Gold (from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly) and Sweet Child O' Mine (Guns N' Roses). We even danced to Stationary Traveller by Camel.🤘

One evening, my wife was upset because she had a problem at work. In my infinite wisdom, my first response was:

Ok, let's look at the positive things in our lives. For starters, we live in America and can drink tap water. Did you know that 1 in 3 people globally do not have access to safe drinking water? Look how lucky we are!

I thought it was a brilliant observation that would make her feel better instantly. How could anyone be upset when they can turn a faucet on and drink right away? It’s magic. I won't go into details but I managed to make her more upset than she was. At that moment, it hit her that she married an absolute idiot.

You should have seen the look on her face. I was not gifted with an expressive face like hers. I have the same Resting Bitch Face all the time. Bought 10 pounds of grapes? Same face. Steve jobs died? Same face. My wife was really concerned that I was a psychopath. She even tried to test me once by sneakily asking me questions from a psychology questionnaire.

The questions were written by the same genius behind the US visa application forms; questions that never receive affirmative answers. "Are you visiting the US to engage in human trafficking?", "How about some money laundering or espionage?" The questionnaire had gems such as: "can you turn your charm on and off like a faucet?" Easy. I have no charm. "Do you have a parasitic lifestyle? Well, I watched Parasite. One Saturday afternoon my wife asked me: “would you kill the entire human race painlessly with the press of a button if you had the option?” I thought it was another trick question from the questionnaire, so I replied no. She said she would. Now I am afraid to give her durable power of attorney to make health decisions on my behalf. I am afraid that if I faint after bleeding profusely from a paper cut, she would tell the paramedics, "it's alright, he had a good life. We are all going to die anyway. Do not resuscitate."

Now I run to the door whenever I hear the clink of the mailbox closing. I check all our packages just in case she was able to procure that evil button from Amazon. Maybe I am capable of paying attention after all. I just need little motivation.

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*Just kidding. My wife actually reads this.